


like

by iihappydaysii



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dan's POV, M/M, Sad, also i had no idea how to title it, not sure how else to tag this, parenting, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 05:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16927284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: Phil's out of town and Dan's left alone with their five year old son. All their son wants is for Phil to come home.





	like

“I don’t want you. I want Papa!”

The words sliced through Dan like an ice cold blade. He didn’t even get the chance to respond, to attempt a little consoling or reasoning before his son lit into him again.

“I want Papa! Just take me to Papa!” Evan screamed, a blood curdling thing that you wouldn’t think a human, let alone a little child would be capable of.

Dan tensed, the flight or fight instinct revving up inside him. People didn’t understand how hard it was to be calm when someone screamed at you like that no matter who they were. Still, Dan responded with a mouse-gentle voice.

“I know you want me to take you to Papa, but I can’t right now. He’s far away.” 

Their son stomped his feet, throwing his little arms down to his side. “Take me to Papa!”

They Skyped Phil every day. Dan hated that he couldn’t do anything to help his son.

“Just call Papa and he’ll come get me.” Evan’s voice steadied, a child’s attempt at reason.

“I can’t, love. I’m sorry. He’s too far away and he’s helping Grandma.”

Kath had had some complications with her double knee replacement and Phil had gone up north to help. It was the first time Phil had been away from them like this and Ev had just turned five. It was an adjustment to say the least.

“I hate Grandma!” 

“No you don’t.” Dan immediately regretted the snappiness in his tone.

“Why didn’t  _ you _ go help Grandma?”

That burned. Whether Evan meant it to be or not, it was like a match pressed up under his skin.  _ Ev wouldn’t be doing this if you were gone and not Phil _ , a dark voice inside him said.  _ He wouldn’t even miss you. _

Dan did his best to ignore that voice and change the subject. “You’re just tired. You’ve had a long day. Let’s go to bed.”

“I’m not tired.” Evan stamped his foot, his freckled nose crinkled up.

“Yes you are. It’s past your bedtime.” Dan took a step forward. His plan was to scoop Evan into his arms and put him to bed. Phil would never let Ev go to bed without brushing his teeth, but Dan wasn’t Phil. That had been well-established.

Evan bolted off before Dan could carry him. He was letting out big wet sobs as he ran down the stairs. He could trip and fall running like that when he was so upset.

“Stop!” Dan shouted to be heard over Evan’s sobs. “Stop now!” Rushing behind him, Dan saw Evan thankfully make it down the stairs without incident. 

But then Evan got to the front door. Dan didn’t think he could unlock the door—and so fast—but he could. Evan had the door open and a foot on the welcome mat before Dan stopped him with an arm around his waist, pulling him back inside the house. Dan slammed the door shut and locked the latch at the top for good measure.

“What were you thinking?” Dan blurted, the words riding out on a wave of fear and exhaustion. “You can’t just run out of the house. You could get killed.”

Evan threw himself down hard on the rug. “I want Papa!” he sobbed. 

Dan was shaking but he sat down with Evan on the carpet. “I know you want Papa. He’s been gone for a while and that’s really hard and really sad, but I’m here and we’ll get through it.”

“Don’t want you! Want Papa!” He pressed his face into the rug and blubbered.

Dan flipped through the mental annals of every parenting book he’d ever read, searching desperately for a solution. “That must be hard. Wanting Papa to be home when he isn’t.”

Evan’s boiled tomato red face popped up from the rug. “Hard and  _ stupid. _ ”

“Don’t say stupid,” Dan said on instinct. Evan wasn’t allowed to say stupid in school. He had and he’d gotten in trouble for it before.

Evan stood up and looked Dan straight in the eye. “Stupid. Stupid.  _ Stupid!”  _ The last stupid came out in a horrible throaty bellow that would have to hurt tomorrow.

“Now that’s enough,” Dan snapped, standing up himself. “You really can’t talk to me like that.”

“ _ I want Papa!”  _ he screamed that same horrible scream.

It hurt. Dan knew wanting Phil. He wanted Phil here too, but this wasn’t just something that happened when Phil was gone. Evan wanted Papa to read him bedtime stories, Papa to help him tie his shoes, Papa to sit next to him at dinner. Dan had faced a gauntlet of humiliation in his life, but there was nothing,  _ nothing,  _ compared to the humiliation of standing there while your husband extolled your virtues to your own child in an attempt to get him to like you.

Dan rubbed a hand over his face. God, he was so exhausted. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Take me to Papa,” Evan whined. “Just drive me to him. You can drive me to him.  _ Please.” _

“I can’t, Ev. Let’s just go to bed.”

“No,” he sobbed, latching onto Dan. “Papa, take me to Papa, Daddy.  _ Please. Puh-leeze.”  _

_ “ _ It’s late. We can call Papa first thing in the morning. Let’s just go to sleep. You can even sleep in Daddy and Papa’s bed. How’s that?”

Evan wasn’t listening though and screeched, “Take me to Papa  _ now.  _ I don’t want you!”

The words were a twisted dagger every time.

“I’m sorry, kiddo. But I’m all you’ve got right now.”

That just made Evan sob harder, which didn’t seem possible. “Papa. Please. Papa.”

Dan braced himself on the wall. He wanted to cry himself, wanted to get a glimpse into that brain of Evan’s and figure out what the hell he’d done wrong so he could fix it. He’d failed his child in some way and he didn’t know how, but he could never escape the cold, clamping jaws of that failure. 

_ You’re… sad around him sometimes _ , Phil would say, as if Dan didn’t fucking know that.  _ Maybe if you can’t deal some days, just I don’t know, go out? _

_ You’re telling me not to be around my own kid? _

He didn’t have to say own like that. That was a dick move. Phil would just ignore it though because he really was the better of the two of them.

_ No, of course not. I’m sorry, babe. You’re right. _

“I’m here, Ev. Okay? And I love you. So let’s just go bed. You’re over-tired.”

“I love Papa!”

“I love Papa too.”

“Papa’s my favorite,” Evan blubbered.

“I know,” he said. Oh how he knew. “But I love you too.” So much.  _ More than you’ll ever know _ . 

“I  _ don’t  _ love you,” Evan spat. “Just Papa. I wish he was my only dad. Not  _ you.”  _  He shoved Dan hard in the stomach. 

_ He’s not even your real dad. I am!  _ Dan didn’t say it but he thought it and he almost said it—and that was enough for him to hate himself. He backed up against the hallway wall. He covered his face and slid to the floor.

His hands were soaking wet before he realized he was crying. 

Evan didn’t seem to care at all that he was crying. He just latched onto Dan’s hands, prying them away from his face.

“Papa!” He wailed. “I want Papa  _ now _ !”

Dan couldn’t manage words past the tears running from his eyes. He hated crying in front of Evan. When things got bad with his dad, his mum would cry and he’d find himself standing there dumbly, with no idea what to do.  _ She’d wipe her tears away for Adrian though, wouldn’t she?  _ that horrible voice reared up again. _ And offer him some jam on toast, like everything was fine?  _

“Shut up!” Dan growled, but it was at the damn voice not his son. Evan didn’t know the difference though. 

“You’re mean!” he spat.

“I’m sor—“

“I  _ hate  _ you.”

“I hate me too,” Dan snapped back.  _ Fuck.  _ He wasn’t supposed to say shit like that in front of Evan. He was supposed to shield him from the grim reality that you could grow to despise the only person you’d ever get to be. 

“Please,” Evan wailed again, throwing himself against Dan. “Just call Papa! He’ll come get me. Please. Please.”

Dan had run out of words. All he could do was fumble into his jeans pocket for his phone. It was late but he could still call Phil. Maybe he could come. Maybe Dan could go take care of Kath. At least Kath liked him…

“Are you calling Papa? Please are you calling Papa?”

Dan said nothing, though tears were still streaming warmly down his face. His thumb hovered over Phil’s name in his contacts, but instead he scrolled up and touched a different name— Mum.

He pressed the phone to his ear and listened to the dull ring as Evan kept on sobbing and grabbing at Dan’s arms.

Finally, Dan heard his mum’s voice on the phone, “Hello? Daniel?”

He wanted to speak but the tears drowned the words in his throat. All he could manage was a shaky breath followed by an ugly sniffle.

“Daniel?” Mum’s voice was alert but not frantic. She was never frantic anymore. She was a weary veteran of the war of helping to dig her sons out of self-made disasters. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Dan tried to speak but he still only let out a pathetic sob. 

“Are you okay? Is it Phil? Evan?” she asked. “Daniel, is someone hurt?”

“No,” he said, though he was thinking  _ yes, my pride, my heart _

“Talk to me.”

“Evan just… God, Mum. Phil’s gone and Evan hates me and I’m a shit father and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

“Son, slow down.”

Dan couldn’t slow down. If he slowed down, he’d stop and God knows if he’d ever start up again. “Ev just wants Phil. He’s screaming for Phil. He won’t stop screaming. Can’t you hear him?”

“Is that Papa?” Evan whined. “Is he coming to get me? Let me talk to Papa.”

“It’s Nan,” Dan said lifelessly and then, “Mum, I don’t know what to do. I’ve fucked everything up.” Beneath all the rubble that was Dan in this moment, he knew he shouldn’t be cursing in front of Evan like this. But it was like this… breakdown or whatever it was left him with only the most blunt and rudimentary of his vocabulary. 

“Put Evan on the phone,” his mum said sternly. 

Dan didn’t know what else to do so he shakily held the phone out to his son who thankfully took it.

“Nan, I want Papa,” he sobbed. “Can you take me to go see Papa? Please.”

Dan couldn’t hear exactly what his mum was saying. He could only hear her calm mumbles.

“I know. I love Daddy, but Papa’s my favorite. I just want to be with Papa.”

There were more of the muffled words of his mum and then Evan cried some more, wordlessly this time, and held the phone back out to Dan.

“Hey,” he said.

“I’m coming over.”

“What? You don’t have to—”

“I don’t mind. I’m not in bed yet and you’re not that far.”

Dan felt so guilty on top of everything else he was inconveniencing his poor mum. “You really don’t have to—“

“I’m coming, Daniel. I’ll just be a few minutes, but you’re not a shit father. You’re a bloody fantastic father and your son loves you—“

Dan tried to protest, but his mum cut him off. 

“He loves you. He’s just tired and five years old. You’ve got this. He loves you and I love you. See you soon.”

“See you,” Dan replied shakily.

They were both still crying, but somehow Dan managed to pick Evan up and cart him back up the stairs.

“Is Nan taking me to Papa?”

Dan ignored his question. He didn’t know how many times he could answer the same question. Not when that question broke his heart anew each and every time.

He sat Evan down on the sofa. “I’m going to get you a milk.”

“Want Papa. Not milk.” 

_ You’re five. Stop talking like a baby. You want the other kids to make fun of you?  _ That voice, it now sounded more like his own father than anything else. He felt now his dad had meant well, but he also knew this was the start of his obsession with what other people thought of him. Even in a moment like this, Dan wouldn’t plant that seed in his son.

Dan made his way to the kitchen and fumbled through making a cup of milk for Evan. The brief pause of the complaints gave Dan a chance to feel like he was in his own body again instead of like he was sliding out on his tears. It didn’t last long though. Evan didn’t even wait for him to bring to the milk. He met Dan in the kitchen, still wailing for Phil. Dan felt too numb to react to it. He just handed Evan the cup of milk. Dan pictured the milk being angrily dashed against the wall, but it didn’t happen. Evan just took a sip, let out a breath and took a few more. It wasn’t the end of the crying. But he was quieter now, asking for Phil sadly instead of angrily. At this point, Dan would take it.

Dan wasn’t quite sure how much time passed. He was exhausted, achy and doing his best to drown out Evan’s protests. But eventually, the doorbell rang and he let his mum in.

Something about seeing her on his doorstep made the tears come again, full on. She had no makeup on and was wearing the camel overcoat he’s bought her for Christmas. She just stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug.

Dan was in his thirties. It shouldn’t still be so comforting to have a hug from his mum, to smell her perfume same as always.

“It’s okay, love,” she said. “It’s okay.”

Moments later, Evan appeared at the top of the stairs. “Nan,” he blubbered again. “I miss Papa and I want to see Papa. Are you taking me to see Papa?”

He started down the stairs, and Dan’s mum gently stepped around him. She put out a hand. “No, no, Evan. I’m not here to take you to Papa. I’m here because it sounds like you’re not being very nice to your daddy.”

“I just want Papa.”

She let out a breath as she walked up the stairs. “I know you want your Papa. You’ve told us. An awful lot, haven’t you?”

“Yes, but—“

“What we’re going to do is go get ready for milk. Did you brush your teeth?”

“No.” His small lips frowned.

“Finish up your milk, then brush your teeth.”

Evan looked like he was going to argue but Dan’s mum just put her hands on her hips and that was that. He took a big gulp of milk and made his way to the bathroom. He was still crying and muttering about Phil, but beggars can’t be choosers.

“At least he listens to you,” Dan said as he met her at the top of the stairs.

“Because I’m new. He gets embarrassed to have a tantrum in front of me. That’s all. Adrian used to be like that with your grandmother, so I thought maybe it would be the same for Ev.”

Dan nodded and wiped away some of the excess. “I’m the one that’s embarrassed.”

“Nonsense. I’ve been there. Your dad would be gone for weeks at a time and he was always the firmer hand. I cried many, many a night.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan said flatly, having only the vaguest memories to match her story.

She patted his arm. “Let’s just go sit on the sofa and the three of us will figure this out.”

After Evan brushed his teeth, they all gathered in the living room. Only the light from one small lamp was on and Evan had his favorite blanket tucked up under his chin. He was sat between them, his swollen eyes finally starting to drop.

“I love you, Daddy,” Evan said sleepily.

A part of Dan was disappointed that there had been no revelation, no ah-ha moment that explained how Evan could go from a fiery ball of rage that hated Dan to curling up with his head on Dan’s lap and saying I love you, but mostly Dan was just glad to hear those words.

“I love you too, Ev,” Dan said, stroking fingers through his son’s curly hair. 

His hair was dark, whereas Dan’s had been light at that age, but the color really only made their similarities more evident. They looked so much alike down to the wonky dimples. Dan knew that obvious genetic relation got to Phil sometimes. Strangers could tell and would assume Phil was just an uncle or a friend.

He guessed they all had their shit to deal with.

“I’m sorry you had to come down here,” Dan said.

“I’m not,” his mum replied. “It’s good to know I’m still useful.”

“Oh come on, Phil and I use you to babysit all the time.”

His mum laughed. “True, but I guess I’m just glad you called. That you wanted my help.” She gently tugged on Evan’s big toe. “It’s nice to know you still need me.”

“I’ll always need you.”  _ I always did. Even when I didn’t feel like you were there. _

Evan yawned, his big eyes getting even droopier. He tugged his blanket up tighter under his chin. It was a small one he’d had since birth. He’d definitely outgrown it, but Evan said that was okay because it was just for hugging, not for keeping warm. 

“See,” his mum said. “Just tired. And you’re tired too I imagine.”

“I can’t sleep without Phil, which is ridiculous. I’m a grown man.”

“I couldn’t sleep without your father at first and I didn’t even like him that much.” She gave Dan a half smile. 

“ _ Mum.” _

_ “ _ Sorry, dear. You could do this without him, even if you wouldn’t want to.”

“I don’t,” Dan said firmly. He hated eating his morning cereal without Phil. The thought of raising this wonderful child without his husband was monstrous.

Evan shifted again, his breathing slower now and his eyes totally shut. Dan knew what Ev looked like asleep and this was it. He could fall so fast and deep.

“I just wonder,” Dan continued. “Why he doesn’t like me?”

There was a pause, then his mum said, “I used to wonder the same about you.”

That hurt to hear, now that he knew the feeling of standing on the other side of this parenting thing. 

“I loved you, Mum. I felt like, like it was you that wasn’t interested in me.”

“I know,” she said. 

“You were young. You were young and I can’t imagine doing this when you did and… unexpectedly and you know, without like…”

“Your perfect soulmate?” His mum added.

“This is awful, but kids are boring. They’re like watching paint dry boring most of the time, even when you love them,” Dan said. “But God I try not to let him know that. I really do. Guess I’m just a shitty actor.”

“Your grandma was a good actor. I don’t know how she did it, but I’m glad you had her.”

“Probably because she only had to do it like once or twice a week.” Dan looked down at his sleeping son, then over at his mum. They never really talked about this, but what the hell? “Phil was harder for her than he was for you, though.” It wasn’t like she totally lost her shit or anything and she came around, but it had been a lot for her to accept. His grandma was rather conservative and religious too. Dan’s sexuality been a total shock to her. Still, she’d always been the one person he could count on and she’d cried when he told her. It had sucked. 

His mum hadn’t really cared though. He’d found himself almost mad at the time, that she’d been so easy going about it. His childhood image of her made him think that it was just because she didn’t  _ care _ about anything Dan did. It took therapy and time for him to realize she was genuinely happy that Dan found someone to love. 

“Phil’s hard to hate.”

“Dad managed it. Adrian too, for a minute.”

“Your Dad’s your Dad and he’s over it, right? And Adrian just wanted your father’s approval. He was a kid.”

“I know, Mum,” Dan said. Adrian and Phil got along fine now. It was still awkward with his dad but that probably wouldn’t be any different with a wife instead of a husband. “Thank you. I don’t know if I ever said that but thank you for taking me and Phil in stride.”

“All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. For you to feel understood, the way I never could make you feel.”

“Mum…”

“I was far from the perfect mother, but I did love you.”

“Sometimes what we feel as a kid doesn’t end up being the whole truth.”

“It’s the whole truth at the time,” his mum said. “For the kid.”

“That’s really fucking unfair for everyone,” Dan said. “I just want my son to like me and I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. Am I being  _ that  _ unreasonable?”

“Of course not. But that’s not his job. It took me a long time to see that wasn’t your job either.”

He looked over at his mum, not quite following. “What do you mean?”

“I know what it’s like to have my son prefer someone else. It made perfect sense to you, but it didn’t to me. It still doesn’t, not entirely. I knew that your grandmother could be judgemental and have impossible standards. And she could hold a grudge like a bitch.”

Dan laughed. He still loved his grandma with his whole heart, but he also knew all her faults now too. He knew all his mum’s best qualities now too. 

“As thankless as it is,” she continued. “It’s your job to love Evan and support him no matter why, which you already do so much better than I did for you. It’s your job to be there for him. It’s not his job to like you.”

Dan looked down at his sleeping child—God, how he loved him. It hurt so much that he didn’t have the connection with Evan that Phil did, but all he could do is keep trying, keep having his back and keep loving him. That was what he had signed up for and he was owed nothing from Evan in return for it. 

Dan looked over at his mum, a strange kind of late night peace falling over him. “Mum?”

“Yes, dear?”

“I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I really do like you.”

“You know what? I like you too.” 

 


End file.
